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This bitch is back in business (miss me?)

28 Jul

I’ve been “out of the office” so to speak since last Friday and, let me tell you, it feels like a hell of a lot longer. Because so much has happened, I’ve decided to jump back into things by providing y’all with a little “The Past 5 Days in Review” post.

You’re thrilled; I can smell it from here.

1) Because I know you’re all dying to know what went down this past weekend when I went to visit my Romantically Challenged BFF, I will not keep you in suspense any longer: It wasn’t all that bad.

Sure, she abandoned me within an hour of walking through her door (after I drove four hours to see her, no less) to go have a heart-to-heart with her 21-year old ex of two days. And, yes, I did have to spend two and a half hours alone watching MTV by myself (Editor’s note: In life, I make a point of never watching MTV. This experience made me feel old and caused me undue stress as it gave me even more reason to fear for the future of humanity). But when another dear friend texted me for drinks and I called her to say “ENOUGH” she, believe it or not, totally obliged.

Yes, dear reader, she actually ENDED the conversation with her ex and CAME HOME so that she could actually SPEND TIME with me. I know this sounds like it should be a given but seriously, this was some major progress for her. AND THEN IT GOT BETTER because when she got back she APOLOGIZED for ditching me and said,

“I’ve been such a moron about all of this. Talking to him tonight made me realize just how not right for me he really it. I’m so sorry.”

And I was all, “Shit, have you been reading my blog?”

And she was like, “What blog?”

And I was all like, “NOTHING.”

Just kidding, no one’s allowed to know about this monstrosity. I to think I was actually THIS close to finally buying a wig this weekend but I wasn’t sure how to explain that one away to her. The last thing I need is for her to randomly stumble across this blog, complete with photos featuring the wig-that-could-have-been, and thinking to herself, “Something about this chick’s sloppy disguise seems awfully familiar…” (Because the detailed descriptions of her romantic tribulations couldn’t possibly give it away. HA HA OH GOD. If you’re reading this, BFF, you know that I love you).

But she did, in fact, drop the guy like a bad habit and we spent the rest of the weekend partying and having a drama-free time and it was awesome.

Seriously.

2) Romantically Challenged BFF may not have been reading my blog, but judging by a recent post by the Comics Curmudgeon himself, Mr. Josh Fruhlinger, has been.

Check out his genius review of a recent instalment of Mary Worth:

You might have to click to get the full impact of how truly amazing it is.

Is he right or IS HE RIGHT?

3) Speaking of previous posts and the interwebz proving points that I made in them: Remember the guy that incited the rage behind this post? Y’know, Mr. I’m-taking-an-indefinite-hiatus-from-Facebook-and-dramatically-announcing-it-to-my-totally-indifferent-friends?

Yeah, well that was Wednesday. He was back by Saturday.

Point = made.

4) When I said that I was going to pick up some postcards while I was away, clearly what I meant to say was that I was going to pick up just one. But that’s okay, because I made sure this one was EXTRA special:

It's a BEAVER, y'all!

First one to claim dibs on this rare beauty gets it.

And on that note, I know that I also said that I would be sending a bunch of cards out to you, my dear readers, on Monday. I haven’t unfortunately, and the reason for that brings us to my next point:

5) Middle Brother backed into my car.

I had maybe been home for three hours on Sunday night and just as I was crawling into bed I heard my mom shrieking at me from the bottom of the stairs. I had parked behind Middle Brother’s car, like I’ve done many times before, but he didn’t know I had come home. He works a night shift so it was already pitch black outside and, running a bit late as he was, he rushed out, jumped into his car and gunned it into reverse – right into the front of mine.

It was a pretty bad scene.

Needless to say, my mobility (and thus my ability to get to a post office) has been pretty limited this week. I think my car is going to pull through but you had better believe that this ordeal has caused all kinds of drama (ironically, not with Middle Brother in the slightest), most of which can be blamed for the fact that I’m only getting back to blogging now. On the plus side, my inability to go places has helped me to save a ridiculous amount of money that I would otherwise be wasting on junk I don’t need. And it’s only been 3 days. Good times.

I guess that’s it for now. As always, if you want to get in on this postcard business, it’s never too late to drop me a line at yesthisisjam [at] gmail [dot] com. Other than that, posts of more substance are coming soon.

P.S. Check out my wicked awesome BlissDom Canada blog badge in the side bar! How wicked is that? Oh, I’ll tell you – It’s MAPLETASTICS, bitches!

Jam in America: Partie Deux

7 Jul

After 8 or 9 merciless hours of driving through hellish heat in an airconditionless car from Washington DC to Canada, we were almost at the border. Because we took his car, which is a standard, which I can’t drive (YET), Boyfriend had done all of the chauffeuring. With the longest haul of the trip behind us, I patted him reassuringly on the arm and told him, “Good job! You got us back to Canada! And we didn’t get eaten by hillbillies!”

His response was a cocky (pun sort of intended), “My testicles give me a natural sense of direction.”

To which I responded, “Good thing too because those testicles also prevent you from being able to stop and ask for directions.”

Yes, the epic road trip/American vacation/Canadian invasion that was our four day stint in DC has come to an end. For all the stressing I did leading up to it (and for approximately the first 24 hours of it. Although that wasn’t so much stress as it was RAGE, but more on that later), it was a pretty friggin’ awesome trip.

I love America. The difference between it and my home and native land are often subtle, but it’s those subtle differences that seem to make each place we visit so charming (even when it’s not necessarily the most charming of places. Hell, sometimes the places we wind up are down right hostile, but there’s usually some redeeming feature that will make us go “Aww! Well will you look at that! How AMERICAN!”). Our drive was a pretty one and, thankfully, not the least bit hostile (although, let me tell you what now, state police are lurking MASTERS. It’s times like these that I’m grateful that Boyfriend is an old man trapped in a young man’s body because if I had been driving, we would have been ticketed thrice over. Because the concept of learning from my mistakes is beyond me, apparently).

Anyway, once we got some parent-related business out of the way, we were finally able to relax and enjoy ourselves. This wasn’t our first visit to DC but that place seriously never gets old to us. I don’t know what it is about it but we just love going there. Because this was supposed to be a nice, relaxing vacation (which, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m no expert on) we planned nothing and instead flew by the proverbial seats of our pants/shorts/skirts/whatever the whole trip (I’m a firm believer that planning ruins the zen appeal of taking a break from reality so boo and hiss to it I say).

On Thursday I went out of my way to be as obnoxiously Canadian as possible, what with it being Canada Day and all. Case in point: my boobs

What can I say? My ladies: they're patriotic

Our stay itself was wicked. We slept-in every day and I hit the gym in the mornings (something I actually ENJOY doing but don’t have the time to when I’m at home). I made up for this by eating copious amounts of greasy food that was in no way good for me but tasted soooo good. I’m STILL dealing with the food baby. Blarg.

We went to a couple of Nationals games, caught some fireworks (making up for the fact that we missed both Canada Day and 4th of July celebrations) and spent hours wandering the Smithsonian Museums of Natural History and Air and Space (The Natural History Museum was the ONLY thing I demanded we see. I LOVE that shit and it so did not disappoint. Mmm, natural history). We strolled the streets and the National Mall and paid the Canadian embassy an obligatory visit. We even found this amazing pub that had over 300 different beer selections from around the world where we got inordinately PISSED, somehow managed to navigate the metro back to our hotel and rattled the headboard for a while IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE.

Can you believe that they wouldn't INVITE ME IN? The NERVE

George, Tom, Abe and Teddy in the Presidents Race at the Nationals game. Spoiler: TEDDY NEVER WINS

It's a good thing I wasn't high because this exhbit? You know, the one that put our insignificance into context? Yeah, it BLEW MY FUCKING MIND


Are you ready for this?

OMG WTF WHHYYYY???

Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo (get it?)

I even found the hotel stationary and wrote letters to Tara (Bite the Bedbugs) and Jaimie (Grumbles and Grunts)! I loves writing letters and stuff.

We left on the 4th and in order to up the ante on our otherwise lackluster celebration of America’s Independence we decided to pay tribute to some American history by stopping in Gettysburg on our way through.

And then we got lost on the auto tour. And then we found it again. Aaaand then we got lost again. What was that about your direction savvy testicles, babe? Yeah. Right.

While it was a great trip overall (and VERY much needed. Uhg, I haven’t been that relaxed for such a long time) it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

Ok, so it was all sunshine. The weather was perfect.

But rainbows, it definitely wasn’t all rainbows.

For one, it wound up being much more expensive than I had anticipated, which, when traveling is generally a given. Still, when you’re broke in general and have carefully budgeted your trip, any somewhat sizable unforeseen costs can make anyone a touch grumpy.

There was also a wee bit of tension between Boyfriend and I for those first 24 hours that I mentioned earlier. I don’t really know how to explain it in any concrete terms but I just felt like I saw immaturity at times when maturity was needed and irresponsibility in places where there was simply no room. I watched, completely flabbergasted, as he would detach himself from me, from us, in situations when I needed his help.

Maybe it was just the stress of travel. Maybe it has to do when the fact that he’s a guy, a young guy, and he just doesn’t know any better. Maybe it’s all in my head.

BOYS, FRIG.

Then of course there was the fact that life was waiting on the threshold of reality when I returned, waiting to spring a colossal amount of bullshit in my face as soon as I walked back into my regular routine. The Hobbes to my Calvin, if you will.

I swear, I left the country for four days and the world fell apart. Business related troubles for my parents. Drama between Middle Brother and his ex (SCANDELOUS drama, which I really will have to write about once I have all the deets. Like, it blew my mind guys. Our life? A made-for-TV-movie in the making). My car had a flat tire when we got home. A new client treating me like a moron.

But I guess that’s just the law of vacationing (again, purely speculation) – the world doesn’t stop just because you do.

On the plus side though, I returned to find out that Youngest Brother finally got a job and isn’t hitting the family up for rent money anymore and my dad managed to take care of some much-needed home improvement projects in my absence (what is it about my presence that hinders productivity?). Good news all around!

Anyway, that was a lot more gloom than I anticipated indulging.

I HAD A GREAT TRIP TO AMERICA AND I LOVE DC!

Also? I love my Twitter friends, who did a glorious job of keeping me company on the long trip there and back and, of the American crowd, welcoming me virtually to their beautiful country. Special love goes out to the delightful Meredith Blumoff, who said she’s sending me baked goods. It doesn’t take much to buy my love, folks.

So I’m back in action, pretty much refreshed and feeling more confident despite having a lot to think about and sort out. At least now I feel ready to deal with it all.

Until next time, DC – so long and thanks for all the fish.

And by fish I clearly mean good times. Because, let’s be real, Douglas Adams, I am not.

Or a dolphin.

Anyone? Bueller?

Ok, I’m done. What’s new with you?

An interlude plus Jam in America, partie une

30 Jun

Today a co-worker brought his kids into work for the morning. It was a short day because of the holiday tomorrow and they were taking off down east as soon as we were set free. I’m not sure the convenience factor justifies bringing a 9 and 10-year old into a workplace for half a day but what do I know, I have a dog.

I guess because I’m easily the youngest person in our office, the girls gravitated into my cubicle and there they stayed for most of their visit. I did my best to keep working whilst fielding questions about whether or not I happen to be a fan of Justin Bieber and absentmindedly contributing to a few rounds of M.A.S.H (I wound up married to their dad with 15 kids. The upside being that we lived in a mansion and had a private jet. SCORE). Then one of them pointed to a photo of Boyfriend and I in our college grad robes and asked what the fuck we were wearing (in not so many words). I told her and yet she seemed skeptical.

“You went to College?” Her inflection put me on high alert.

“AND university,” I replied. “That’s FIVE extra years of school. It’s not as awful as it sounds.”

This, dear reader, is when that precious little girl raised her precious little eyebrow at me and asked in a tone laced with enough disdain to make any mother-in-law proud:

“Five years of school and you’re working here?”

It would have the most depressing statement ever if it also wasn’t also fucking HILARIOUS. Instead it was just slightly depressing.

And THAT, dear reader, is why I needed a vacation.

As I blog, Boyfriend and I are en route to Washington, D.C. for four days. Why D.C. You ask? Well that’s a mighty personal question, don’t you think? Also, what better way to celebrate the birth of your nation (mine being Canada in case you’ve missed that point along the way) than by spending it in the capital of another one? Amirite?

Anyway, I might find time to blog, I might not. It’s a vacation after all, and while I’m certainly no expert on the subject (I honestly can’t remember the last time I took one), I’m pretty sure it’s against the rules to obligate yourself to anything whilst you’re supposed to be vacating. Err, vacationing? Whatever, I’m on holiday.

Either way, I’ll still be on twitter in case any of you REALLY misses me. I’m addicted that way (to twitter AND you. Awww)

Miss you already,
Jammy Pants
(online person’s full name care of my doppelganger, Jo)

Jam: Coming to an America near you

18 Jun

This is not a real post. Well, it IS I guess, if you need to get all technical and shit (geeze, always with the getting technical and shit. When will you learn to LIVE a little?)

I’m feeling pretty guilty about the fact that I haven’t had the time this week to toss up the posts I’ve written (oh, that’s right, I’ve WRITTEN them, I has haven’t sat down infront of my computer long enough/I’m too lazy to take a minute to copy and past. I get it, ok? I’M A BAD BLOGGER WHO LOVES CAPSLOCK AND PARENTHESES). I also just reinstalled the WordPress Blackberry app and even though it used to hate me, I’m willing to give it another try if it means that blogging will be that much easier. Hear that WordPress Blackberry app? Let’s learn to love each other again – FOR THE READERS.

Anyway.

So Boyfriend and I are heading down to the US of A in a couple of weeks. It’s Canada Day, you see, and because we’re both so Canadian it hurts EVERY DAY of the year, this long weekend seemed like as good a time as any to take a mini vacation.

Ok, so there’s also some business that’s bringing us down there but eff if we’re going to go all the way down there for ONE DAY on our LONG WEEKEND. So we’re making a holiday out of it.

The problem is that it’s also the 4th of July long weekend and my mom’s American friends have convinced her that if we go down on the long weekend, we will die. Or at least not be able to find a hotel for our stay.

She and I spent most of last night batting the subject back and forth.

“What are you going to do if you get down there and all the hotels are booked up, hmm?”

“Mom…”

“No, really, what? Sleep in your car?”

“Sure!”

“NO”

So she demanded that we book the hotel now just to be on the safe side. Yes, I know that this is the logical thing to do. We were planning on booking hotel rooms in advance, just not RIGHT THIS MINUTE. My general apathy towards the whole thing just stressed her out, which in turn stressed me out. I guess I had it coming.

(Also, almost all of my travel is spontaneous. Pre-planning stresses me out. Like, what if something happens and we don’t end up going? THOSE ROOMS ARE NON-REFUNDABLE)

Boyfriend was just making matters worse with his inability to focus long enough to help me come up with a plan.

“My new computer is fucking wiiiiicked!”

“Babe…”

“Did I tell you what our director did this time? He’s a PSYCHO.”

“I’m sorry to hear this. Can we finish sorting out the trip?”

“Did you hear that there’s a Vuvuzela iPhone app? That’s a good way to get your ASS KICKED.”

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FOCUS”

(Editor’s note: He never did focus)

By the end of the night I was so stressed that I started second guessing everything: life, mortality, the cosmos…. But mostly just the trip.

I am BROKE. I am so busy! I don’t have the time for this! What made me think a vacation was a good idea? BALLS

So I finally said FUCK IT and went to bed instead.

But now it’s tomorrow and after having slept and had the time to cool down and think it over (the fact that I ALSO just had the most AMAZING massage ever doesn’t hurt either), I’ve realize that all of those reasons are exactly WHY I should be getting away for a few days.

Ok, maybe not the being broke part. But whatever.

The truth is, I am SO stressed. Money, my family, working nonstop – aren’t those the sort of things that drive people into needing holidays in the first place?

I NEED a vacation.

Now not only is the trip on, but I’m really starting to lookforward to it too.

So watch your back, America.

Uh, please and thank you.