Brain soup for the soul

2 Aug

I’ve been quiet lately. I don’t mean to be. I don’t like it either.

But things have been happening, all of it out of my control. Some of it has to do with me, some of it doesn’t but because it’s what I seem to do best, you’d better believe I’ve been stressing out over the fact that there’s nothing I can do will make any of it better.

There are a lot of FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS wrapped up in all of this (like the fact that I’m having to replace my car after my brother rammed into it last week and having the worst frigging time doing it. Guess who can’t afford this shit right now? THIS girl). There are also some big things and some very sad things, like the news that came this morning that a family member died last night. It wasn’t entirely unexpected but at the same time we had all been so damn hopeful.

I’ve been doing a lot of listening to others lately and as disheartened as I’ve become by what I’ve been hearing, I’m doing my best to let it all provide perspective. It’s not just me that’s going through hard times, everyone is. And to be honest, it’s starting to feel like we’ve all been going through hard times for a long time now. So I find myself sitting back and staring into nothing for longer than I’m comfortable admitting and wondering if this is it and if I’ve been deluding myself into thinking that there’s some pinnacle of happiness that we’re supposed to be working towards when really this is all we can really hope for.

Of course, now that I’m writing it out like this I’m realizing that I never did believe in that magical state of perfect bliss so I’m not sure where that idea is coming from now. Life’s just a (hopefully) long, meandering joy ride down an old country road that is both pretty and wonderful but also bumpy and fraught with rough patches. You can get frustrated and drive like an idiot or you can be patient and not let the pot holes keep you from enjoying the view.

Or you can just compare life to an old school Super Mario game. Adventuring and good times but constantly having to stop and stomp on those effing Goombas along the way and the princess is ALWAYS in another goddamn castle (Field log: We need more mushrooms).

I have no idea what happened with those last few paragraphs.

Anyway, I’ve been throwing myself into my freelance projects to avoid dwelling on any one thing in particular and I’ve managed to be pretty productive which helps. I’ve actively been trying to say ‘thank you’ and ‘I’m sorry’ and just telling people how much I appreciate them more often and that helps too. I’ve also decided to stop running from things as much and to try and recognize just how beautiful everything is when I stop angsting over ever stupid hang-up. All of this has been helping little by little.

This posts sounds so melodramatic and I believe me when I say that’s not what I was going for. Really I’m just tired and running low on words right now (I know this post seems to beg to differ but seriously, how much of what I’ve written actually makes sense? Exactly). I’m working myself up to something cool though, I promise you that. I just need to re-group a little first.

Until then, I like this song. It makes me feel better too.

Thanks to each and every one of you who reads my blog and for your comments and your friendship. I’ve found such camaraderie since starting Almost, Maybe and I probably won’t ever be able to articulate just how much of a difference your love and support has meant to me. With great sincerity – Thank you.


6 Responses to “Brain soup for the soul”

  1. Caitlin August 3, 2010 at 12:39 am #

    It’s okay to be quiet sometimes. We all have days where we just need to think and not say much. Usually(hopefully) they’re helpful, productive.

  2. Dufmanno August 3, 2010 at 10:29 am #

    When I first read this I got all melancholy and misty eyed with agreement. Then I got sidetracked by the part about a joyride down a country lane and started thinking about all the bad things that happen when you walk down one alone. Every horror movie in modern times has a dusty road some poor shlep goes down and never returns.
    So, anyway….
    Love this post 🙂

  3. alonewithcats August 4, 2010 at 11:13 pm #

    The Indigo Girls told me that “if you don’t not have anything good to say, don’t not say anything at all.” Or some version of that. And, you know, they wouldn’t lead me astray, so I’ll pass that wisdom on to you, too.

    Been there, friend.

  4. kat August 5, 2010 at 8:55 am #

    I sincerely hope that things begin to fall into place for you. I completely understand how you must feel. Sometimes life is so overwhelming. Just get through another day! 🙂

  5. Kit August 15, 2010 at 10:43 pm #

    Interesting. When I look back at my journals from my 20s they look like the writings of a suicidally depressed woman because I only took time to write when I was stuck at home doing nothing – when I was partying, dating, flying high I was no where near pen or paper.
    We each have a different MUSE and if yours can’t create while your mind is otherwise occupied give her some much needed rest and wait for her to come back. She will.


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