“He’s Just Not That Into You”: A case study

22 Jul

Ok guys, I really need some help here.

If you follow me on Twitter then you’ve no doubt caught a tweet or two about my Best Friend and how she had started dating someone 6 years her junior and how concerned I was about this.

To provide some background – Best Friend makes poor choices when it comes to men and dating. All the time. As in, she hasn’t had one relationship/fling that has gone well. And if it’s not the guy’s fault (which, granted, she’s dated some real douchebags) then it’s a matter of her exacerbating things with some truly unfortunate low self esteem issues/crazy clingy ex behaviour/general disillusionment.

She’s a great person and I love her and it hurts to see her go through this shit again and again and goodness knows that this past year in particular has been particularly unkind to her romantically. That having been said, we, her long-time friends, are beginning to grow weary of what is starting to feel like an exceptionally bad episode of The Hills on repeat. A couple of our friends have gotten to a point where they don’t even deal with her unless the absolutely have to because they’re so sick of it. I mean, you’d think after three or four times of getting burned the same way you’d learn a thing or two, right?

Except that she doesn’t.

As for me, I pretty much have a script on hand for every time she gets involved with a guy we know isn’t right for her. She’ll tell me about him (“He’s super sweet, totally different from the other guys!”) and then ask for my advice as to what she should do. I give her my honest opinion; she agrees and then does the exact opposite. Fast-forward (not too fast though, because it doesn’t take that long to get to this point) to the turbulence. Again, she asks for advice, I give and she ignores. Repeat until the two of them eventually hate each other’s guts and, after an extended period of grieving, she moves on to someone new. Meanwhile, by this point I’ve usually gotten fed up and said something a little too honest and get in trouble.

Every. Damn. Time.

I almost want to say, “Oh! You mean you didn’t actually want to make a decision that would have a positive impact on the outcome of this situation? Well shoot! Why didn’t you just SAY SO.”

So, yeah. Junior broke up with her after a month and three days of “dating”. He cited reasons such as: being too young (duh), not being ready to settle down (double duh), not ready for anything serious, wanting to party all the time, wanting to spend more time with his friends, etc. Honestly? The only hint of bullshit I picked up in all of his reasoning was when he mentioned something about his ex and how he treated her badly and still feels guilty about it blah, blah, blah. Because, really, it doesn’t matter if there’s any truth to it – In my opinion, if someone you’ve only known for about a month starts using an ex as an excuse (for anything), you should be concerned.

Other than that, I think he did them both a big favour.

She seemed to be taking it well. She was disappointed, which was to be expected, but she wasn’t pulling the irrational card. That is, until today when she said that she has decided that what they had was too good and that he had been led astray by his friends and that she was going to fight for his love. She’s going to talk to him again and try to work things out.

And then I slammed my face off my desk a few times because it was better then the prospect of going through this YET AGAIN.

I’m supposed to be going to visit her this weekend (she lives many a mile away) so I scaled back all of the things I wanted to say and basically settled for, “If it feels right then do it but don’t take it personally if he doesn’t change his mind and just LET IT GO”

This is going to be the worst weekend ever.

So I need some advice from you, dear reader. Anything – what should I say to her when I’m there? How should I be dealing with this, y’know, in life? Am I overreacting?

Because I want to be a good friend and I don’t want to be down on love and always be the bitchy one who is trashing her love stories but, seriously?

She might be desperate but at this point, so am I.

Trying-To-Be-A-Good-Friend-But-Failing Jam


9 Responses to ““He’s Just Not That Into You”: A case study”

  1. marriagecoach1 July 22, 2010 at 2:53 pm #

    Irationality is defined as doing the same failed pattern over and over again.

    You might be surprised to hear this from a guy, but too many women give sex way to soon. Men are geared for the chase and if thre is no chase there is no interest. Women need to with hold sex until there is a comitted monogamous relationship. You can’t short cut and go to the sex and hope that the relationship follows.

    The reason that there are so many players out there is because far too many women give sex and they just move on to the next woman. If she does not respect herself, how is the guy supposed to.

    That does not mean that you need to be all frigid and cold, you need to reassure him that the wait will be worth it. This can include giving him a peek up the skirt or down the blouse revealing lacy frilly lingerie and some great make out sessions and perhaps allowing him to cop a little feel, but no sex until there is a relationship. You won’t get your heart broken nearly as much and you will have much more self respect.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  2. the grumbles July 22, 2010 at 3:14 pm #

    i’m too freaked out by the comment above to leave a comment.

  3. alonewithcats July 22, 2010 at 6:08 pm #

    Well, I was going to say, “marriagecoach1 and I see eye-to-eye. He’s very wise.”

    But as it turns out, marriagecoach1 and I do not see eye-to-eye. In fact, I’m sort of wondering whether he even has eyes at all.

    So, I’d sit your friend down for a little heart-to-heart. Tell her that you want her to be happy, and that nothing would make you happier than to see her happy, but that watching her make so many mistakes in her romantic life is taking a toll on you. Basically, you need a break from hearing about her fucked up personal life. Something along the lines of, “Look, I love you, but I cannot keep listening to this record on repeat. It’s not even a good record. I hate this record, actually. It’s like the Hanson of records. And the Hanson boys aren’t even old enough to know what a record is. And that’s unrelated to what I’m saying to you, dear friend, but we get each other and you know exactly what I’m trying to say. And one day you’ll find a boyfriend that loves and respects you and GETS you, too. But first you have to change the fucking record.”

  4. Kristin July 22, 2010 at 9:52 pm #

    I would tell my friend that I don’t want to be involved with her dating decisions anymore. She’s a grown up and she needs to make her own decisions.
    I’ve been in your situation. It’s tough.
    Good luck.

  5. Jo and the Novelist July 23, 2010 at 1:59 pm #

    @marriagecoach1 1956 called and wants its relationship advice back.

  6. the grumbles July 23, 2010 at 2:43 pm #

    tell your friend to let him look up her skirt, flash a lacy bra, and cop a feel. that’ll… help… somehow…

  7. kat July 26, 2010 at 9:20 am #

    I tried to help out a friend with a similar situation this weekend. This guy dumped her and she just keeps going back for more. He only shows her attention sometimes because he needs his fix for his ego. I tried to tell her she could do better and she promptly told me that it was none of my business. I very quickly answered back, “Well, next time you want to waste three hours of my day analyzing his behavior then you can call someone else.” I left it at that.

    She apologized. Ugh. But some people just never listen.

    Your friend is never going to learn. No offense..but it’s going to take some maturing for her to understand.

    Hope this helps.


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