Jam in America: Partie Deux

After 8 or 9 merciless hours of driving through hellish heat in an airconditionless car from Washington DC to Canada, we were almost at the border. Because we took his car, which is a standard, which I can’t drive (YET), Boyfriend had done all of the chauffeuring. With the longest haul of the trip behind us, I patted him reassuringly on the arm and told him, “Good job! You got us back to Canada! And we didn’t get eaten by hillbillies!”

His response was a cocky (pun sort of intended), “My testicles give me a natural sense of direction.”

To which I responded, “Good thing too because those testicles also prevent you from being able to stop and ask for directions.”

Yes, the epic road trip/American vacation/Canadian invasion that was our four day stint in DC has come to an end. For all the stressing I did leading up to it (and for approximately the first 24 hours of it. Although that wasn’t so much stress as it was RAGE, but more on that later), it was a pretty friggin’ awesome trip.

I love America. The difference between it and my home and native land are often subtle, but it’s those subtle differences that seem to make each place we visit so charming (even when it’s not necessarily the most charming of places. Hell, sometimes the places we wind up are down right hostile, but there’s usually some redeeming feature that will make us go “Aww! Well will you look at that! How AMERICAN!”). Our drive was a pretty one and, thankfully, not the least bit hostile (although, let me tell you what now, state police are lurking MASTERS. It’s times like these that I’m grateful that Boyfriend is an old man trapped in a young man’s body because if I had been driving, we would have been ticketed thrice over. Because the concept of learning from my mistakes is beyond me, apparently).

Anyway, once we got some parent-related business out of the way, we were finally able to relax and enjoy ourselves. This wasn’t our first visit to DC but that place seriously never gets old to us. I don’t know what it is about it but we just love going there. Because this was supposed to be a nice, relaxing vacation (which, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m no expert on) we planned nothing and instead flew by the proverbial seats of our pants/shorts/skirts/whatever the whole trip (I’m a firm believer that planning ruins the zen appeal of taking a break from reality so boo and hiss to it I say).

On Thursday I went out of my way to be as obnoxiously Canadian as possible, what with it being Canada Day and all. Case in point: my boobs

What can I say? My ladies: they're patriotic

Our stay itself was wicked. We slept-in every day and I hit the gym in the mornings (something I actually ENJOY doing but don’t have the time to when I’m at home). I made up for this by eating copious amounts of greasy food that was in no way good for me but tasted soooo good. I’m STILL dealing with the food baby. Blarg.

We went to a couple of Nationals games, caught some fireworks (making up for the fact that we missed both Canada Day and 4th of July celebrations) and spent hours wandering the Smithsonian Museums of Natural History and Air and Space (The Natural History Museum was the ONLY thing I demanded we see. I LOVE that shit and it so did not disappoint. Mmm, natural history). We strolled the streets and the National Mall and paid the Canadian embassy an obligatory visit. We even found this amazing pub that had over 300 different beer selections from around the world where we got inordinately PISSED, somehow managed to navigate the metro back to our hotel and rattled the headboard for a while IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE.

Can you believe that they wouldn't INVITE ME IN? The NERVE

George, Tom, Abe and Teddy in the Presidents Race at the Nationals game. Spoiler: TEDDY NEVER WINS

It's a good thing I wasn't high because this exhbit? You know, the one that put our insignificance into context? Yeah, it BLEW MY FUCKING MIND

Are you ready for this?

OMG WTF WHHYYYY???

Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo (get it?)

I even found the hotel stationary and wrote letters to Tara (Bite the Bedbugs) and Jaimie (Grumbles and Grunts)! I loves writing letters and stuff.

We left on the 4th and in order to up the ante on our otherwise lackluster celebration of America’s Independence we decided to pay tribute to some American history by stopping in Gettysburg on our way through.

And then we got lost on the auto tour. And then we found it again. Aaaand then we got lost again. What was that about your direction savvy testicles, babe? Yeah. Right.

While it was a great trip overall (and VERY much needed. Uhg, I haven’t been that relaxed for such a long time) it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

Ok, so it was all sunshine. The weather was perfect.

But rainbows, it definitely wasn’t all rainbows.

For one, it wound up being much more expensive than I had anticipated, which, when traveling is generally a given. Still, when you’re broke in general and have carefully budgeted your trip, any somewhat sizable unforeseen costs can make anyone a touch grumpy.

There was also a wee bit of tension between Boyfriend and I for those first 24 hours that I mentioned earlier. I don’t really know how to explain it in any concrete terms but I just felt like I saw immaturity at times when maturity was needed and irresponsibility in places where there was simply no room. I watched, completely flabbergasted, as he would detach himself from me, from us, in situations when I needed his help.

Maybe it was just the stress of travel. Maybe it has to do when the fact that he’s a guy, a young guy, and he just doesn’t know any better. Maybe it’s all in my head.

BOYS, FRIG.

Then of course there was the fact that life was waiting on the threshold of reality when I returned, waiting to spring a colossal amount of bullshit in my face as soon as I walked back into my regular routine. The Hobbes to my Calvin, if you will.

I swear, I left the country for four days and the world fell apart. Business related troubles for my parents. Drama between Middle Brother and his ex (SCANDELOUS drama, which I really will have to write about once I have all the deets. Like, it blew my mind guys. Our life? A made-for-TV-movie in the making). My car had a flat tire when we got home. A new client treating me like a moron.

But I guess that’s just the law of vacationing (again, purely speculation) – the world doesn’t stop just because you do.

On the plus side though, I returned to find out that Youngest Brother finally got a job and isn’t hitting the family up for rent money anymore and my dad managed to take care of some much-needed home improvement projects in my absence (what is it about my presence that hinders productivity?). Good news all around!

Anyway, that was a lot more gloom than I anticipated indulging.

I HAD A GREAT TRIP TO AMERICA AND I LOVE DC!

Also? I love my Twitter friends, who did a glorious job of keeping me company on the long trip there and back and, of the American crowd, welcoming me virtually to their beautiful country. Special love goes out to the delightful Meredith Blumoff, who said she’s sending me baked goods. It doesn’t take much to buy my love, folks.

So I’m back in action, pretty much refreshed and feeling more confident despite having a lot to think about and sort out. At least now I feel ready to deal with it all.

Until next time, DC – so long and thanks for all the fish.

And by fish I clearly mean good times. Because, let’s be real, Douglas Adams, I am not.

Or a dolphin.

Anyone? Bueller?

Ok, I’m done. What’s new with you?

Tags: 4th of July, Air and Space, Canada Day, Nationals, Natural History, Smithsonian, vacation, Washington DC